If I asked you to tell me what OCD is, what would you tell me? Possibly that it’s comprised of obsessive cleaning and neatness? Or germaphobia? If you are already saying to yourself “Ah! Here we go, another stereotype” then, you’re right. Although, some people who experience OCD may face these challenges, many of us battling the condition do not. OCD is in fact a spectrum, like many other conditions and most people I tell this to, didn’t know.
There are 750,000 people in the UK who experience OCD. However, as one of these people, I have always felt that there is little awareness around the condition, which led to me bottling up what I was going through. My personal experience was dark and extremely daunting intrusive thoughts. I began to think there was something seriously wrong with me; possibly a psychopath, a sociopath and if I dared to utter a word about, what felt like my descendance into madness, I’d be forcibly ostracised from society. Telling my foster parents was impossible, I feared they’d abandon me. I feared my friends would be scared of me. I feared Doctors would section me. I let the illness fester for months, making the pain of these thoughts even more excruciating. This then led to the suicidal thoughts. I thought to myself, if I am forced to live with this demon in my mind, I’d rather take the last bit of control I have; my life.
After the chaotic mindset persisted, the self-harm started and then the obsessive thoughts of taking my own life – just to have a quiet mind. Writing this now, makes me sad for the lost nineteen-year-old I used to be. To think there are others who could be experiencing the same hellish rumination and intrusive thoughts, without any knowledge, appropriate guidance and terrified to their core, truly breaks my heart.
The reason I am writing this, is not for sympathy but to create more of an understanding about what OCD is. My diagnosis came from my own research (when I gained enough courage to type my symptoms into google) and most of my awareness came from OCD charities, sites and social media pages, such as OCD Excellence on Instagram. After gaining a lot of strength and acceptance that the thoughts would not leave on their own, I discussed my symptoms with a psychiatrist. I told him I suspect its OCD and after assessment – he agreed. However, this is not the way it should be. I lived in fear – for a long time. I would describe my mental state in a cryptic manner, never fully revealing the true torment I was facing. However, there should be more awareness around OCD and the different ways it can manifest. I’m sure, at one point in your life, you’ve heard someone say “Oh, I’m so OCD about that!” to describe they’re somewhat accomplished in their organisation skills and cleanliness. There is also the way that it’s frequently portrayed on film or television. Unfortunately, it can almost represent OCD in a positive light and something to strive for. Examples of this would be, Monica in Friends, where OCD is portrayed as a lovable quirk and Sheldon in Big Bang Theory where his strict compulsions are used for comedic value instead of addressing how painful and torturous the condition must be for the sufferer. This is part of the reason why OCD is misunderstood and has little true awareness.
My aim is to reach a wider range of people to spread knowledge what OCD truly is. The condition can cause those who experience it great mental pain and exhaustion. The thoughts and obsessions it can cause can be gnarly, grim and fear inducing. OCD can also be seen in behaviours such as fixating on trauma or a certain event, hoarding, excessive checking and Body Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRB) such as skin picking. As a late teen, I needed to know I was not alone in experiencing dark thoughts. I needed to know my life wasn’t over, because it felt like it was. I also wanted more loved ones to understand what I was going through without feelings of shame. OCD should be more understood, as it’s the only way for sufferers to overcome it, to have a bit more of a quiet mind.
